I’m still young but as I grow older I find that what I want is changing. I’m sick of sex and sick of being alone. Nothing feels good anymore and I just wish there were some way to stop being so lonely,
I know there are people who love me but I’m just so messed up that I don’t even know how if I can love. Don’t get me wrong I deeply care for others, I just don’t know if I can truly give them everything. Life is good and I am very lucky but without someone to share my smile with, it seems pointless.
The best nights I can hope for are the nights that I wake up dripping with sweat from a dream in which I have just died (or come close). My blood pumping with adrenaline. On these nights I die and am reborn, only to fall back into the same startling plain routine.
I want someone to live for.
Without others there is nothing to look forward to. I don’t dream about a high-paying job, or being famous, what I want most is to have someone to share my life with.
I want someone to laugh with, to smile with, to read with, and to cry with.
it’s 12:32 as I write this and yet I cannot sleep. I don’t want to hold my body pillow, I want to hold everything, my everything. I want to feel her between my arms, against my chest. I want to wake up to those gorgeous eyes and beautiful smile. At the moment I have no moon and stars, but I wish I did. I need someone to brighten the dreary nights, someone who can save me from my thoughts and my mind.
I truly think that the only way for me to be happy would be for me to find someone that I could make happy. No creature is meant to be alone so why must humans choose to spend so much of their time alone? If all I did in my life was settle down with a loving wife then I would be happy.
I still have a long ways to go before that can happen, but it’s been on my mind lately. I just want to start playing the game, it’s been so long since i’ve let myself even consider dating someone, that I don’t know how to.
The time is now 12:43 and I have a violent night to get through.